We live in a social media driven world where our best Friends, Connections, Contacts, Followers and Matches are a click or two away. Because we’re so accustomed to living the “American Dream,” keeping up with the Joneses, and subjecting ourselves to the rigors that accompany these conquests, we’re content keeping up through surface-level digital footprints and sporadic, quick in-person or phone interactions. How many times per day do the, “How are things?” – “Good. You?” surface-level, efficiency-driven interactions play out? We think we know what’s going on, but all we just know what people want portrayed out there because we don’t expend the time to go deeper.
Thousands of contacts connected within a few clicks but how do we know who will come through for us when it’s on the line? Who’s willing to take the time and put in the energy themselves to go the extra mile for you when you’re in a time of need – and then actually follow through?
We’re at an ugly crossroads in America. We see it amongst all the political dissension. We see it as mental health traumas rise. We fight over resources to the point of disassociation with those closest to us. We can’t go deep ourselves, so how could we go deep for others? Are we in it for status or the good of human kind?
Sandwiched in-between two personal quests for ownership after putting it all on the line, I took a trip. Despite better financial judgement, I joined college friends south of the border for the sake of a friend who’s always had the ability to go deeper (Kaveh is pictured right with our chauffeur Carlos).
After some tropical guy’s weekend introspection, I came to some harsh realizations. I’m great at the surface level stuff, but like many guys, I have trouble talking about feelings, needs, concerns, etc. I’m too trusting that if I put it all out there for you, that you will then come through for me. I learned that I try to formulate solutions for everything and in doing so, force things when the square pegs will never fit into the round holes.
With that said, though, I learned that sometimes you need to put people on the spot to realize how much you can count on them. Sometimes, you have to lean on yourself alone.
Paying it forward with no expectations is hard to do but pays big dividends. I recently watched The Kindness Diaries on Netflix, which details one man’s quest to cross the world on a motorcycle with no money relying on the goodheartedness of others. Despite lots of doubters and strifes along the way, Leon made it and repaid those with pressing needs who helped him out handsomely with something that would help get them across the hump. That begs the question, if strangers with very little can do it, why can’t we?
What can you do to interview and determine who’s trustworthy and will come through for you? What are some strategies you’ve used to dig deep and get results during times of need?
I recently queued up D2: The Mighty Ducks. Regardless of whether you played or liked hockey, my generation beloved the Mighty Ducks movies as kids. In a tumultuous time like this one, consensus towards the greater good is seemingly impossible. We can learn a lot by looking back on the once lovable loser Minnesotan kids, who banded together with others of all shapes, colors and sizes from different corners of the U.S. to defeat the bullies of Iceland in the Junior Goodwill Games finals after Coach Bombay centered himself as a leader. It wouldn’t have happened without believing in the power of instilled confidence.
Personally, I grew up in an achievement-oriented household where I was encouraged to participate (and well) in all kinds of activities. Some I didn’t like ie. choir and piano. Others I loved ie. sports – I played four competitively into high school, usually among the top performers on my teams. Hockey would’ve been one had I moved back to Minnesota sooner (my friends were deep into travel hockey by 4th grade).
My folks went to top universities and academics always came 1st – getting into a great school was priority #1 and I had only a decent handful of B’s into high school. I had an outgoing personality and friend groups beyond just the “popular” group. Despite all the accolades and activity time, I often felt alone and a failure – especially in high school. If it weren’t for my parents always having my back though, where would I be?
Granted, some of this might be the result of a competitive, achievement-oriented culture. Sure, there were plenty of good teachers who pushed and encouraged. Coaches on the other hand, not so much. The dads were more often than not solid, albeit biased towards their kids (as mine was). Winning was common and the times were loose and fun. It was into high school that the paradigm shifted. If you didn’t dedicate yourself to the “system” of that specific sport and all the workouts and family politics year-round, then you were missing out regardless of talents demonstrated. Lesser “system” athletes focused on 1 sport and were anointed “golden boy” status over others successfully competed for their school in multiple competitive sports.
One would think that high school coaches (and teachers) are there because they care about giving back and developing life achievers. Egregiously, as far as many were concerned, it was all about their ego and attitude coming from doing it the same way for awhile, their image or winning at small fill-in-the-blank hamlet town. “I could care less about what you’ve done or who you are, it’s my way or the highway.” Small-minded small-ball!
I remember going into horrific shooting or hitting slumps. I would go home, shovel off the snowy driveway and night and shoot until I couldn’t see or get my dad to pitch until he couldn’t throw. It didn’t matter though as next to ZERO encouragement or support was offered from coaches. How are you going to succeed when you’ve got it stuck in your head that if you miss ONE shot, you’re back on the bench?
I went to Duke basketball camp two years in a row around national championships and learned from the best and a master motivator in Coach K. Despite Duke being the model for our “system,” I ended up losing out on the last varsity roster spot to the handicapped “system” guy. I walked off after not even logging a play in the game for my last playoff baseball game after starting every career game. Can you get any more of a slap in the face?
The teenage years are the most volatile and when you’re offered nothing but negativity from those that are supposed to lift you, how can you succeed?
Fast forward to college. I was DONE with high school and the work paid off as I got into every school I applied – except getting waitlisted at the one I thought I was meant for (of which my dad attended). Gone went the nurturing offered by the home-front and in came freedom and autonomy of quasi-adult life. College offered the ability for anyone to re-invent oneself.
The times were exciting but the bar was set for failure – proven achievers used to near 4.0’s like myself now found themselves in the “C” range, barely scraping by. I remember taking a physics class of which I had no business being in having not taken calc and getting something in the neighborhood of an 8 out of 60 on an exam despite serious studying! My GPA after the 1st semester was near suspension level. I found out about the verb “South Foresting,” from the parking garage famous for university suicide, the ultimate failure feeling put into action.
I pushed it to the limit, developing association with the “leaders and best” among the “Leaders & Best,” in the Mud Bowl and Greek scene and our acclaimed football program, and lots of time not only on the beer pong table, but in the and classroom and library. I started to find myself while I kicked it into gear and started competing toe-to-toe in everything on campus and internally started to realize was that I could hold my own (despite the top-notch acumen of the competition). Confidence brimmed internally and externally and peaked – I was on T.V. on the sidelines, and in the “alpha” social, competitive limelight otherwise. I had not only survived, but thrived in many senses and graduated with a double major.
Pro
The door into the sports industry is revenue generation and all of a sudden, re-invention had to happen again. A 99% rejection outcome became the norm and the hurdles were steep in Inside Sales – the “chop shop” of weeding people out. I buckled in, outworked and out-performed my peers after some trying, tough times in a faraway, disaster-ravaged market of which I knew 1 person. I quickly learned what having no culture and a boss departed for punching someone in front of his employees to understanding what a thriving, motivating, positive team-oriented culture felt like.
Fast forward ten years and two grad degrees of which I pushed myself to the limit further, It’s taken many sacrifices, disappointments and failures. Every B-school will pound in how and stress the importance of leadership and “culture” in the workplace. Interviews for those impossibly in-demand positions too often yield comes with a boxed, burnt out “work hard play hard” answer when asked about culture. Failure to read the warning signs equated a horrific toxic work environment of which I was thrown in and left for dead, getting picked at by the buzzards daily, where the standard of excellence was driven by egotism and narcissism over any sense of new ideas, morality or ethics. Put up, shut up and fall in line the sake of the deal.
I’ve now learned the hard way and realized what Michael Thompson learned over 38 years – confidence isn’t about self-promotion, it’s about listening, and feeling comfortable applying and promoting others’ winning strategies to build their trust.
In D2, Gordon Bombay went “Hollywood” and got too caught up in the glam and the image, forgetting who he was and what he had learned along the way. Before it was too late, he traded the suit for the Ducks jacket and got back to where it began. He encouraged his kids to do what they did best, believing in each in the highest pressure situations despite dirty play and tactic traps laid by the opponent. In the end, the team banded together and won it all for the good-ole U-S-of-A thanks to being confident in who they were and what they could do.
Life isn’t a Disney movie or a sport, but the message is one we can all learn from. Believe in those around you and express encouragement – we can all benefit in the end so much more than maintainging a fixation on our own self-serving agendas.
D2: THE MIGHTY DUCKS, Emilio Estevez, Colombe Jacobsen, Shaun Weiss, Matt Doherty, Marguerite Moreau, Joshua Jackson, Justin Wong, etc, 1994.
TRUE NORTH TEAM CONSULTING 